Sen

Snívalo sa mi, a konečne po dlhom období, bol sen aj pekný.

Však naskytuje sa otázka, čím sny vlastne sú. Lebo ak odzrkadľujú našu túžbu, nebodaj budúcnosť...

Pravdepodobne som bola len veľmi unavená. Po hodine a pol strávenom na japonskom konzuláte, s úžasným SBS-károm za chrbtom, pričom vôbec nič sa nevyriešilo, a ja tam budem musieť zajtra prísť znova...

Bola som len unavená a mne hlava pospájala nemožné veci.
že...

Alebo je moje nebo už dávno zatiahnuté mrakmi a ja si musím svietiť sama, so sviečkou z včelieho vosku. Aj keď to nahlas nepripustím... už aj moja hlava si uvedomila, že dušička sa trasie za hviezdnym svitom.

Nemožné... nemožné to je.


(Vicious Circle... O.D.)

The Funeral of Hearts (HIM, passage)

Loves the funeral of hearts
And an ode for cruelty
When angels cry blood
On flowers of evil in bloom

The funeral of hearts
And a plea for mercy
When love is a gun
Separating me from you

I breathe within

I breathe
within my dreams
but with
every sunrise
I drown
in silent
waters of
forgetting.

Why.

Never again.

Really, really. I swear.

do not know why i did that. i feel awful now.

never, never again!!

Tak to proste chodí?

Mám kamaráta. Alebo mala som?

Odišiel do zahraničia. A od vtedy sa po ňom akoby zľahla zem. Už vôbec nepíše. A keď aj sľúbil, že mi pošle nejakú recent fotku... Och.

Som stíhačka, alebo mi len chýba?

Keď je tak ďaleko.

Vodopád

Vodopád. Tak by sa dal opísať môj terajší postoj. Voda sa valí z útesu a triešti sa o ostré skaly. Neviem, čím to je. A to ma tom desí.

Kamarát si myslí, že ten vodopád dokáže zastaviť. Ale nedochádzajú mu súvislosti, zdá sa. Veď ako môže smrteľník zahatať cestu takému nespútanému živlu. Áno, áno. Postaví hrádzu, bariéru, upraví koryto. A voda sa jednoducho zastaví.

Zaujímavé je, že vo všetkom sa dá nájsť jedno také krásne slovíčko... „ALE“ ...

Zastavíš tok neprirodzene. V stojatej vode sa uhniezdia živočíchy nízkeho pôvodu, voda začne pustošiť dno a premení ho na bahno. V okolí sa rozlieha zápach rozkladu. Tak čo je lepšie? Nespútaný vodopád, či tichá smrť.

Vždy sa pýtam, prečo sa ľudia silou mocou snažia niečo meniť. Či je to príroda a či iní ľudia. A pritom seba akoby vôbec nevideli. (Nie som múdra. A nemám právo poučovať ostatných. A predsa to robím, za čo sa neznášam.)

Len... niekedy je vodopád predsa len na niečo dobrý. Rútiaca sa voda je bohato okysličená. A teda, rybkám sa lepšie dýcha. Zato stojaca je mierna a nemení svoju tvár. Rybky v nej majú pokojný domov.

Vždy je na výber, však? Človek len musí vidieť otázku. Potom je možné nájsť odpoveď.

In Memoriam

A squealing wind was tearing russet or amber leaves off sighing branches and the heavens were crying over human beings. I was glad that the apocalypse stayed behind the windows and in the kitchen it was calm and pleasant. That day was to be special. My parents and grandparents were staying overnight in Kralupy nad Žitavou which is a picturesque small town that lies in Czech Republic but officially near the world’s end. It cost two days of reasonable argumentation to avoid a day of geriatric fun at my grandmother’s sister’s place but it finally worked out good. My brother vanished as soon as it was possible and the whole house had been for the first (and the last) time exclusively mine.

I was about to pour some hot water into a mug when I smiled and than took another mug from a drawer and put it on the table next to mine. It had been your favorite one, with ladybirds drawn on it. I did not wait long and a doorbell rang. I sprang into the rain barefooted, and called at you to come in. I closed the door and hugged your shoulders. You laughed and I laughed with you. Your hair was lustrous with millions of heaven’s tears and it clung in heavy strands to your back. Water was dipping from your nose and sleeves. I smiled again and gave you some dry clothes that I prepared beforehand. I do not believe that you ever used an umbrella.

It was a perfect evening. At once we caused terrible havoc to our kitchen, as we tried to prepare a marble cake, but we did not care much. We placed our masterpiece into the oven and than with pride did the dishes. After two hours of absorbing chit-chat we noticed some suspicious smoke coming from the kitchen but you just swept your hand, “Never mind that. It is just a bit tanned.” I glanced desperately at the cake pan. I tipped out something that was a marble cake’s very, very distant and charred cousin from the sixth generation. That evening my culinary ego suffered a severe damage, but I did not tell you that. Yes, it was just a bit tanned. My dog Astra did not complain, after all.

At nine the storm calmed down a bit. We did not even notice its ferocious power. The oncoming morning I marveled at our backyard cluttered up with devastated branches, torn leaves and one broken umbrella which origin had been unknown but that night were the howling wind and rain the last things that interrupted our thoughts.

Your cell phone rang. It was your mother calling you home. You did not live far from me. We were nearly neighbors, so you did not rush to leave. You stroked Astra once more and than took your jacket from the radiator. It was still wet. You looked at me apologetically and I nodded with smile. Of course you cold have borrowed my clothes.

You were leaving. As always, your lips shined with a warm smile. Your cheeks were throbbing with hot blood and eyes sparkled with stars. Oh God, and how sweet your voice was!
It was a perfect day. We sat, drank tea and ate our delicious marble cake. We talked about everything and we did not seem to notice that the Time was humming in millions of grains. We would rather laugh. Your laughter always got me. It spilled into the room like milk into the night sky. I never completely understood how you did that.

And now, you were leaving. Again. I do not know for how many times I was seeing you out. After so many years a person forgets the numbers. But I know that erst we hugged with hands smudged with sand and our t-shirts stained with watercolors were constantly driving our mothers crazy. We had been tykes in those times.

You gave me one last hug by our gate and than turned on your brand new discman. As you walked down the street you looked like a real young woman. And the Time was humming in millions of grains.

Next morning you did not come to the bus stop. I thought you were sick or something like that. After school I phoned you up. A voice of an adult woman answered.
I do not remember what then happened. I forgot to breathe, I guess.

Everyone was there. Parents, grandparents, our friends, neighbors and strangers that I have never seen before, they all blended in a black blur. And the sun was grinning like a Cheshire cat and one stray bird was trying to chirp while sitting on a bare branch.
The driver did not manage to brake while you were crossing the road. He called for help. He has two children. One was your age.

And the Time is still humming in millions of grains. We do not seem to notice that until it suddenly pauses.

Last autumn it had been three years since I saw you for the last time. Your parents moved short after the accident. I have not heard from them for a long time.
Human memories are strange. They enter the mind without knocking.

Vicious circle

It’s just that I…
It’s just that I cannot bear it any longer. It’s just that I cannot bear it any longer with that my unreasonably desperate selfishness consuming any spark of joy. It’s just that I am totally fed up with this existence. It’s just that I cannot think of anything but myself. Vicious circle.

Iba

Aj slzy, čo sa plazili po lícach už sú preč. Odplávali s myšlienkami. Zas som bola hlúpa. A slabá. Zas som sa nalogala storočného blenu v mojej duši.

In memoriam

Odchádzala si. Na perách ti hrial úsmev. V lícach pulzovala krv. Oči svietili hviezdami. Bože, aký sladký si mala hlas!

Bol to dokonalý večer. Pri čaji a bábovke. Čas šumel v miliónoch zrniečok, a my sme to ako vždy nevnímali. Radšej sme sa smiali. Bože, tvoj smiech ma vždy dostal. Rozlial sa priestorom ako mlieko po nočnej oblohe. A teraz, odchádzala si. Znova. Po rokoch človek už zabúda na čísla. Len viem, že kedysi to bývalo s rukami od piesku a tričkom poliatym vodovkami. Dnes si si dala slúchatka na uši a tašku cez plece. Objatie pri bránke, a čas šumel v miliónoch zrniečok, a my sme ako vždy nevnímali.

Radšej sme sa smiali. Bol to dokonalý večer. Pri čaji a bábovke.

Roztrhol sa mi náramok od teba. Mávla si rukou. Maličkosť. Chcela si spraviť nový.

Ráno si neprišla do školy. Volám, snáď pre úlohy, snáď pre tvoju maličkosť. Ozval sa hlas dospelej ženy.

Neviem, čo bolo potom. Asi som zabudla dýchať.

Bola tam celá trieda. Rodičia, starkí, susedia. A ľudia, ktorých som nikdy nevidela. Splývali v čiernom. Slnko sa smialo a vtáky spievali.

Nezabrzdil, keď si prechádzala cez cestu. Zavolal pomoc, má dve deti. Jedno v tvojom veku.

A čas stále šumí v miliónoch zrniečok a ako vždy nevnímame.

Na perách ti hral úsmev. V lícach pulzovala krv. Oči svietili hviezdami. Bože, aký sladký si mala hlas! A teraz, odišla si.

Je ešte tvoj?

Život je
Ako škrupina od vajíčka,
Keď sa rozbije.

Život je
Ako stužka na krku,
Keď sa utiahne.

Život je
Ako váza s ružou,
Keď uvedne.

Vieš, kde sú tvoje hviezdy

Vieš, kde sú tvoje hviezdy...

Tak prečo ich hľadáš na nebi.
Prečo plačeš, že nevieš lietať,
Či nabrať hviezdnu vodu rukami.

Kde sú tvoje hviezdy...

Pýtaš sa ma, zabudol si.
A pritom sedia vedľa teba,
V teple očí tichej lásky.